You know how, when you see a gorgeous girl across a room and you actually (and uncharacteristically) think of something to say to her that she finds funny? So you talk for a few minutes, just long enough to build the nerve to ask for her number and she gives it to you enthusiastically? Then you try to leave since all you can do at this point is screw things up by saying something stupid but she asks you to stay and she spills a drink on her boob but since she’s wearing a black sweater it doesn’t stain and you realize that you now have a one dumb move buffer to protect you so you talk a bit longer?
When you try to leave again she suggests going to this gay bar nearby where her friend bartends and so you agree intrigued by the prospect that a girl that looks like that could be so into you so you agree? She suggests you follow her in your car, so you do and a few moments later you’re following her down this dark side street lined with dark warehouses and not a bar in sight and you start to remember those stories about gorgeous girls who pick up a guy and lure him into a secluded spot where a bunch of guys are waiting to beat the shit out of him, take his wallet, his car and possibly his kidney leaving him in a bathtub full of ice? Then her car comes to a stop at the dead end and she gets out carrying a gun, you are sure, but it turns out she’s empty handed and she just giggles that she turned down the wrong street? In relief you follow her down the next street which is also dark and lined with dark warehouses but at the end of this one there actually is a small bar?
So you go in and sit at the bar and she introduces you to her bartender friend and you continue talking and somehow you seem to be leaving the impression that you’re endlessly fascinating and funny so you start to wonder if she’s just been release from jail, or a nunnery or some other cloistered situation? Then you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom but just a few seconds after you lock the door she knocks on it! And you’re like WTF!? Where is this going? Maybe she’s some kind of kinky freak? You don’t want to have sex in a public bathroom in a gay bar but you have to find out if that’s what’s going on and you open the door to find out it’s not her at all but some other random bar guy and you have to excuse yourself explaining that you’re not done and leaving him wondering why you’d stop in the middle to answer the door? Meanwhile, instead of trying to have sex with you in the bathroom, she’s getting the “gay man’s opinion” on her new catch because, as she explains later, gay men are the most critical of other men but that you passed with flying colors?
Finally it’s getting late and you really have to go so she offers to walk you out to the car and when you go in for a goodnight kiss she attacks you, practically crawling into your clothes with you, and you make out in the parking lot against the brick wall of the bar while everyone inside of the bar watches your shadows, lit by the streetlights, against the frosted glass windows until, finally, the gay bartender friend comes out to tell you that the bar is closing and could someone come in and pay the bill?
You know, those kinds of dates? Well, I think such a date could have sound track like this.
It’s a two minute hard rock version of the dating game theme into which I crammed as many notes and as my little fingers would allow. I wonder though, what does it say that I did the theme song to dating show as a short guitar wank-fest?
Oh yeah, I added lyrics to it as well. Here they are:
This was recorded entirely in Sonar. There are three guitar tracks all recorded through a PODxt Live. I’m particularly proud of the drums though. Not being a drummer I can’t be sure the drum part is even playable. It started mostly from loops that I extensively tweaked, sliced and diced. It’s kind of crazy but I think it works well. There’s also a midi bass part that I played on my m-audio radium 49 at a much reduced speed and then sped up to the 180bpm of this tune.
I hope you like it but I doubt you’ll like it as much as I did. That’s the thing about a wank-fest!
Happy Listening: The Dating Game